window's closed: navigating summertime sadness

a love letter for my cat Rosie and how to deal with happy astrology forecasts when you're heartbroken 🥀

This past week was packed with so much astrology and I was ready to go! Ready to write and record and share my little heart out. I’ve been feeling really happy here in Substack land. During my podcast hiatus, I had a lot of space and was missing a creative outlet. I launched this project a few years ago but recently got the spark to nurture it more. I felt back in a flow that has allowed me to express myself in ways I’ve always wanted to! I wanted to talk about Mercury and Venus both moving into Cancer at the same darn time! How lovely, a gorgeous alignment of our thoughts with our hearts. We just ushered in the summer solstice, a change of the season where the Sun moves into Cancer and we are focusing more on our inner world, our emotional body, and genuine connection with others. We just experienced our first Capricorn Full Moon of the two we’ll have in Capricorn. What a glorious invitation to shine all the light on what is and isn’t working in our Cancer/Capricorn axis. This first full moon is a portal opening and once we have the second Capricorn Full Moon on July 21 that portal will reveal what is on the other side.  Here in Los Angeles, California, United States, Planet Earth, the May Gray that turned in June Gloom has finally burnt off and it’s been starting to look and feel like summertime outside. But then all of a sudden my window closed. 

I talk about this a lot in my healing work, in life there are often two modes. The first mode is when we have the freedom to do and be and go about however we want. We are not beholden to outside forces and our time is ours to choose what to do with it. That’s when the window is open. The other mode is the opposite: our heads are down and we are on duty, we are serving something or someone else. We are on a schedule we did not set ourselves. That’s when the window is closed. Sometimes windows can be partially open or closed, depending on your perspective and what’s happening in your life. Just because a window is closed never means it won’t be open again.

Blue Window (oil on linen, 45”x60”) by Rae Klein

TW: GRIEF, PET LOSS, CANCER (THE FUCKED UP DISEASE NOT THE ZODIAC SIGN) SEXUAL ASSAULT, NEGATIVE SELF IMAGE

“I’m so sorry love, but I think you might need to schedule an appointment with your therapist, you sound like you need extra help. I feel like this is representing something bigger,” my mom said on the phone to me as I let out what I can only describe as a Toni Collette in Hereditary level style of weeping. If you have followed me for a while or listened to my podcasts over the years, you know how obsessed I am with my cat Rosie. I took my dear sweet cat Rosie in for a vet appointment because her kidneys were showing some very slightly raised levels in her bloodwork at our visit earlier this year so we switched up her food to see if that helped. We came back months later on June 13th, 2024 and I’ve been fucked up ever since. The vet noticed something in the very back of her mouth and when she could finally get a good look at it I saw it. I saw my enemy in the back of my cat’s mouth. We came here for something else, why are we in her mouth?  The vet offered us antibiotics because ~maybe~ it was just an infection but we all knew better. My husband Pablo and I had to go from shock and sadness into decision-making mode. This is when all the weeping began. The vet tech Sequoia walked us through everything, she hugged me, I owe her so much she was so kind in that way where you know a person’s truly kind to their core. Sequoia took my baby Rosie to the back for a biopsy and x-ray. It’s fucking scary to hand over your pet not knowing when or if they’d come home. What if she doesn’t take well to anesthesia? What if something goes wrong on the table? Would it be crazy to let me back there so I can be with her the whole time? I don’t want her to be scared.

Toni Collette in Hereditary which I really don’t recommend watching if you’re in a state of grief tbqh! She should have won the Oscar.

So we came home without our cat and I couldn’t do anything but cry and scroll so that’s what I did. I scrolled TikTok from 11AM until 3PM, side by side with my husband, him on his feed and me on mine. I’d text friends, looking for connection. I texted back and forth with my sweet friend Stevie B, a former vet tech, and she digitally held my hand the entire way. I felt so needy which I hated. We got the call at 3PM that said we could come in an hour to get little Rosie and there was a splash of good news: the x-rays didn’t show any signs of cancer in the jawbone or chest cavity if it is cancer. Please tell me it’s not cancer. We picked up our sweet kitty and brought her home. She was a little baby deer wobbling around in the closed-off room, falling over and over, I’d pick her back up. She’s only 6 lbs, she’s always been small. Definitely must have been the runt of the litter. The following days for Rosie were just sleep followed by her hiding in our downstairs office. She wasn’t herself. She had no interest in us anymore and ignored our calls for affection. This isn’t the same Rosie. Was June 12th the last day of our reliable Rosie routine? Every morning when she heard the sound of the phone charger being pulled out of the phone and hitting the floor she’d come trotting to bed to give her morning hellos. She’d take the pillow highway to lay on either my chest or Pablo’s, it depended on who won the Rosie lottery that morning. She always would come when I called *two kissing sounds in quick succession* and there she was. She has the best comedic timing with little burps and grunts. She bunny hops down our stairs, step by step because her legs are too short. She’s been both my best friend and my baby since I was 24 years old. Now I’m 35 and I’m scared and drifting because I can’t imagine my life without her. This has come at a time in my life where I feel at a crossroads of change, navigating out my astrology career and the creative avenues I want to invest in. Not that if I had my shit all together it would be easier but the thought crossed my mind. I need Rosie to help me to the next phase of life, just like she’s done before! On June 19th we got the call that she has an aggressive form of mouth cancer which has a poor life expectancy outcome. I knew when I adopted there be a time when she’d be gone. But it’s here? Now? I’m not ready. 

I have so much love for her

It was Thanksgiving weekend 2013 in Chicago and I was a party gremlin who finally landed a somewhat normal job working as a photo retoucher. I had been living with my boyfriend at the time and one day out of the blue I said, “I want a cat!” My ex went along with it though he was hesitant because he quote “never owned any mammals before” he only grew up with hermit crabs (I meannn lol) whereas I only grew up with dogs but I always heard that cats are great for folks who want to be less responsible but still have company. That was me! I was a messy bitch who was just starting to clean up a tiny bit, I’m the perfect contender to practice being accountable! I put “gray cat” into Petfinder and she was the first result. I’m not sure why I was drawn to the blue-gray color but that’s what led me to Rosie. I remember hearing somewhere once there was some culture, but I don’t remember which, where gray cats are given as wedding presents because the gray represents the in-between of black and white and symbolizes meeting in the middle and finding harmony. Even if that fact isn’t true it sounds really nice. I wanted to live in the gray.

One of the best gray cats on film Ruby from Girl, Interrupted

We booked an appointment and went to meet little miss first result in the search engine. When I walked in the room I didn’t see a cat anywhere, until I looked under the metal vet table and saw the smallest gray girl in the world. She was so afraid. The lady running the cat rescue told me she was probably born summer of 2012 and that they found her in central Illinois after a tornado. I’m not sure if that was really ever true or if she wanted to make up a sad story so someone would adopt this painfully shy cat. I reached out my hand under the table and *ploop* she rested her little head in my hands. I love her. She’s mine. I gave them $200 and filled out the paperwork. As the transaction was happening two volunteers at the shelter knocked on the door and asked if they could say bye to Marina. They said that she was so sweet and they would miss her. This little scaredy-cat has fans? I was impressed! Did she have a secret personality? I need to know more.

we met online <3

The first few years with Rosie were not easy. She mostly hid under the bed, she’d run whenever a new person came in the door. She didn’t like the sound of loud boots or boisterous men’s voices, which honestly I get. I spent hours, days, and months of my life laying flat on my belly, petting her under the bed, and she always and still has the loudest purring engine you ever heard. My family would remark “Oh gosh she’s so shy” in this “what’s the point of having a cat that always hides” sort of way that would piss me off. This is what’s wrong with society! I’d think back at them. We only want people who are ready to go, ready to perform for you. God forbid anyone needs any help! The years went by and Rosie slowly came out of her shell. I moved her to California and she saw me through it all. Breakups with lovers and friends, family drama and estrangements, death, job losses, career wins, falling in love, getting married. She was by my side as we grew up together.

first photo booth together and we don’t have many pics from the first few years cuz she was elusive as hell!

It took probably three or four years but Rosie did a 180 and went from withdrawn to social butterfly. Now when friends come over she rushes to greet them as soon as they arrive. She hops up on the couch and leans all her body weight on you, magnetized to your side like glue, impossible to remove. She wants to lick you on your face or maybe your toes if available. When I’d have friends over for wine and gossip she’d sit in the circle, taking it in, just one of the girls. My little traumatized baby, look how far she’s come! And now I’m grieving a cat who’s still here and every day I’ve been crying so hard I get a headache and my face hurts. When my mom said “I feel like this is representing something bigger” she was right. Rosie represents a deep part of me that cannot ask for help. Rosie is an extension of my heart walking around outside my body in a furry teddy bear suit. I didn’t realize when I got her how she would guide me from my mid-twenties into my mid-thirties. When she came into my life I was transitioning from a girl so lost and insecure, all I did was drink and party and I didn’t know how to prioritize myself. I was still deeply wounded from multiple sexual assault experiences in my twenties and I never felt 100% in my body. I was a little cat under the vet table even though I had so much fake confidence you would have never known. Flash forward to today, the love that beamed from my cat taught me to love my time alone which led me to love myself more and more. It was easier to be alone when I was alone with her. I started to put my life and goals more in focus instead of saying yes to anyone with an invite. My perspective shifted and I no longer wanted to socialize just to escape. I’d rather lay in bed in the sun with my cat. I’d just want to sit and stare at her, everything she did mesmerized me. I became more intentional. There have been so many instances for me between the ages of 24-35 where I discovered that people only wanted me around when I was happy, funny, and entertaining and I’d get tossed aside when I wasn't. I had stopped coming to people for help or if I was hurt by their behavior because the second I did or ever spoke up they would leave. My fun party friend persona had me trapped. Couldn’t someone just pet me while I hid under the bed? I swear I’ll come out eventually. I’ve heard all my life how ~together~ and ~optimistic~ I am and yes that’s one part of me, but it’s not all of who I am. Thanks, it’s a trauma response! It’s a trauma response because if I wasn’t able to put myself out there and connect with people I would have never gone anywhere worthwhile or left my hometown or pursued my dreams. I had to fight to be heard growing up. This news about Rosie does in fact represent something bigger because until now I didn’t realize how much I was healing myself through Rosie. How much reparenting I was doing through her because of my chaotic family background. It’s like I subconsciously did inner child work but she was the vessel. My little gray shadow of a cat was doing shadowwork on me all along?! I have been so patient with her, so loving, and so proud of how far she’s come. I am a great fucking cat mom. And in turn, I have been so patient with myself, so loving, and so proud of how far I have come. I am a great fucking person who used to hate myself and deserves love in all of my seasons!

I mean I really like having a good time but sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to be angry or sad because being fun and entertaining is what I’ve always been rewarded for

I know you’re here for astrology and I just keep going on about my cat and I don’t want this to sound like a eulogy because it’s a love letter. When I went to write about the sun and moon I just couldn’t. I had to talk about Rosie. I know there are infinitely bigger problems in the world and I realize I tend to diminish my needs. I’m coming to terms with this news and feelings of anticipatory grief. It’s ok that my heart is hurting in ways I’ve never experienced before. When it comes to astrology I think about the fact that there are always going to be people going through devastating times when I write my horoscopes. That despite the astrology being really positive or happy, there’s people on that day who won’t be able to access it because their windows are closed. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to step away from astrology or social media or whatever is that’s not adding value to you at the time. You can always come back if you want. If you are currently in pain, I am so sorry and I truly send you my love. If you are currently thriving, I hope this continues for you and that you keep doing everything you can while you are shining. Have I looked up and down at my chart and Rosie’s trying to make sense of why this is happening? Sure. But also I don’t like thinking of astrology including a fated death sentence. I know some astrologers do that, and that’s their thing and that’s fine! To me, it’s the weather of how we’re navigating the circumstances. It’s both Rosie and I’s Jupiter Returns. Her first one, my third. We’re little Jupiter twins and she really has brought so much abundance to my life. I assigned her the birthday July 2 because it’s Lindsay Lohan’s bday and it just fit her, my little Cancer Sun / Sagittarius Moon sweetie sassy diva. Quite honestly: the weather of this Cancer season is pretty lovely overall. It’s inspiring. And I’m so thankful I have supportive astrology on my side as I navigate caring for my sweet little love.

i think about this quote a lot

As for now, she’s on pain medication and after days of being unrecognizable, a miracle happened: the drugs soaked into her system, and in a moment our Rosie returned. She’s not hiding, she’s cuddling with us, and she comes when she’s called. I fucking dropped to my knees and thanked G-d because I kept thinking to myself over and over how I would give anything to have just one more day of our little routine and she generously gave me that. We went and did a photo shoot at Tom’s One Hour Photo and we’re gonna take her to the park on a leash and give her an In-N-Out Burger and make her remaining time special. Next week she has appointments with both a pet psychic and an oncologist so there’s still more to learn, from both a spiritual and scienctific perspective. I’m not sure if we have days or weeks or what time is left but for now my focus is on Rosie. Things always eventually get easier but for now, my sweet astrology supporters please be patient with me. I may not be posting with as much regularity in the coming weeks. If it turns out I’ll be posting a lot less in July I will make sure to pause subscriptions for the month because I want to make sure you are getting what you pledge for. I’ll know more soon. Who knows maybe I’ll want to work and write about the stars so I don’t just focus on all this pain but for now it’s not my first priority and I guess that’s the cool thing about this space being my own. I’m grateful for all of you, especially if you’ve gotten this far. I have a small amount of times open for readings for the rest of June, so if you’d like to book with me please do, as Rosie’s costs are adding up and this will go straight to the Rosie fund.

Please please please value when your windows are open. Please please please be raw and vulnerable (and reach out to others) when your windows are closed. Keep good thoughts for Rosie, I’m sure I will be back soon, and thank you for allowing me to be imperfect and not on time. My window is closed, but I may feel like cracking it open now and again. I need to be strong for my girl and for myself and I need to feel the breeze.

summer of Rosie <3